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haemlet's journal
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Construction Site  I have created a blog on blogspot. From now on, I will feed entries there and this journal will not be updated any more. Here's the link for those who wish to read, please do, and comment. http://haemlet.blogspot.com/ cya guys... luv... haem. there are some experiences in life that are needed. they are the ones that give you joy, crush you and also teach you a lot in the process. the joy, excitement you get from them is unique, a sense of elation that you can get nowhere else. but it can also be very very shattering!!! and i guess it is that shattering that i want to avoid. that thot of being crushed that i am running away from, scared of maybe. i dont know. covering it with the garb of practicality. The experience has taught a lot abt life,has given me a lot that i needed to polish my perspectives. it has in fact helped me. yet, i am not ready to face something like this again. i refuse to fall into it again. i have taken it in my hands and consciously created a block for myself that prevents ME from moving towards that direction, from treading that path which many others have tread in their own way, their own lives. practicality huh? the excuse... i lknow how its like and have learned enough to know not to get there again. not to fall into that pit consciously. maybe i am right in restricting myself. maybe i am not. i dont know. and as of yet i dont allow myself to know. dont allow myself to dream, float, fly, for fear of falling flat on my face. it is better to stick to the ground i say. is it or is it not? i can live like this... but that would make a difference in life. should i venture there again? or is it a wise decision to stay away...? sigh... who knows....!!! WHEN THERE’S NOTHING ELSE TO DREAM Fantasy worlds Kings have queens A quest for rescue Love blooming with the everlasting flowers Colours splashing away evil Imaginations running wild Optimistic ends I call these ‘happy dreams’. But akin to a writer’s block the dream-flow pipe gets clogged you can sigh, get nostalgic, remember the dreams that were, wait for new ones to come and revel in the joy of the gone; ‘cos though you wish for dreams more Nightmares you want none and are happy at the clogging for you wont get carried away any more. And such are the times you look at the real Distort, manipulate, add on make smiling dreams take them for illusion or create one from unreachable realities. Momentary joys, forced excitement, smiles that come, not linger. It is the fun of taking joy in a pseudo-dream, when there’s nothing else to dream. Current mood:  confused.
UNKNOWINGLY A sharp knife you hold Unknowingly, a threat more to the self Invisible though it seems solid it is, dangerous as it should be. As you skip along taking in the wind, imitating it trying to lighten all else blow away all the burdens. But, unknowingly, as you went about A gash in the atmosphere! The knife has done its job, made you unwelcome, carved out a bias! Current mood:  cynical.
WINDOWS A peep, a view letting in a lot allowing a lot of free flow. Something hidden without the boundaries whats surrounding, the sight does not know. An aberration to the walled interiors a relief some say? Whetting the desire yet restricting, an invitation to gates that are closed tight just letting the minds of within take flight. Current mood:  creative.
A sudden convoluted minor-looking scratch throbbing, piercing through; Cries for mercy Ringing. Its trapped, its trapped Witnesses are but a few Pretending to see the invisible Visions of the Psychic? Sixth sense? Foresight? Can a zebra’s rash Affect how a donkey kicks? The iron clearing out the creases Rather creating space for more to come Gradually. Creases that demarcate the cotton From the Silks, Satins and the Lace. London’s bridge keeps rebuilding itself yet the left-behinds peep through gaze at the crossing vehicles Speeding A direction is set again, clearly, yet accidents and aimless wanderings, will continue. The candle is in my hand, illuminating A few metres ahead clearly seen now but all around the ahead still lies Darkness. Your careful steps create screaming echoes who can rescue you from the future? Trapped trapped in your own darkness The candle enlightens just right ahead Further on the path twists and curves With dark and dangerous bends Guiding you is your light But it shows not the darkness; The dead end has been imagined The length of the path unknown. Still more unknown are the blackouts Stealing of your matchsticks then forks, choices, splits, junctions Candles do not push you around The sad delight lies in what they show Too many paths when you need not know. Brightening when you walk in jest But winds hover around forever A blackout looming always And finally You reach where you know not. The sudden minor scratch unnoticed, calls for attention While the candle is being lighted, honed The journey will start. All throbbing IGNORED. But the screams will continue till the end Its trapped. Potential help deafened. Current mood:  contemplative.
SQUARE WITH ROUND EDGES Look alike… I DO I am too but a square The square pegs before me filled Yet there seems to be space for this spare. And again hard I try Jump in, dive in, squeeze through to my peg Fit into my cubicle in the huge ice-tray Crawl in slowly, or even edge in leg by leg. Everytime I manage Fit in, adjust, and get through It just seems uncomfortable The cubicle seems so unfamiliar, so untrue. I may still be a square and not a round May not be one of the unnecessary wedges Yet I feel empty spaces in the corners Maybe I am just a square but with round edges. Current mood: dont ask!!. something i had written months ago... life IS cyclical!! SOMETHING’S MISSING a VOID- hollowness B r e e z e drilling through you It’s not just your ReflEction in that puddle that’s restless, It’s a reflection of you. An incomplete WhOLe you feel like A leaking jar – filled to the brim You don’t know wh_re that bastard piercing is that’s draining the YOU out of you. Current mood: contemplative.
sigh! dial-up, comp crashes, time strains,all have been conspiring against me n my journal. well, i finally found my way!! a lot has been happening.college started and a lot happened there. we shifted lecture rooms and now we r based in a nice, airy room facing the woods in the hostel building! quite cool i say!dissatisfactions with fellow classmates n their attitudes (r they superhuman i wonder, cos they seem to think so!), confusion on being bombarded with so much of lit, conflict in the mind, sudden bouts of alienation or pangs of unnecessary tension and many more mood swings. another new thing has been the isolation factor. dont feel like sitting around in college for long anymore... feel lethargic everytime and extremely lost and displaced.... sigh! wats wrong with me... get me to a psychiatrist!!!??? then comes malhar simultaenously... exciting yet not so.mixed feelings again. didnt feel the energy this timew tho had fun. all went well enuf thankfully, inspite of the rain-Gods wishing otherwise!! malhar n all that goes with it is over now... i have added more frens to my list, n now am tryin to get back to routine n fill the vaccum. there is a long list but duno whr 2 start from... n all this has also contributed to another factor... i have begun understanding ppl, begun distancing myself frm the crowd n be more cautious. i find i talk less now, good or bad i dunno, but it is all happening.like i always bliv, change is the only constant thing in life... Current mood:  drained.
Family weddings are funnnnnnnn!! especially when there are people your age around and the crowd isnt too much. Went to Blore (got kinda air sick on the way) for a wedding and it was 4 days of pure recreation, fun n destressing oneself. also getting to know and meet new people. Pity tho that the new ppl didnt include any cute guys my age huh?;)well, sum other wedding maybe!!:P Current mood:  flirty.
phew... college starts finally! went to college today to pick up timetables and hated the fact that it has almost broken down and turned to debris! i want my college back! met people.... yaaaaaaaaaaaay! life will come back to normal now. concession wasnt given to me cos i didnt have the fee receipt. aaaaaarrrrrgh... times when i wish to abuse but cant (cant just get myself to)! i mean, i got my id, roll no, everything... that means i have paid my fees. there is a logic, hello! but who heeds to logic here! sat in the woods a while and talked to laksh. we went crazy, at least i did. we were creating hypothetical situations and giggling away, naming people who passed, cribbing about the lack of eye candy at xaviers, and taking in the breeze - basically doing nothing n enjoyin it! met dheera at the station and was hopping and jumping with joy on the platform while she tried to calm me down! yaaaaaaay! even this 3 minute meeting after 3 months is bliss. went to andheri to meet a fren who had come down from baroda. another elation! she calls me her soul sis cos she says i m very very similar to her. we had met at a 4 day residential sem and hit it off in an hour and became very close buddies in the 4 days thr. it was amazing and even we at the sem wondered how such close bonds could be created in just 4 days. but it happened. and we both related the most to each other. we talked for hours till evening about everything. it was my mantra of friendship being practiced - doesnt matter if you dont know the person, what matter is that you understand the person. and thats what happened. we talked and mentioned random incidents. loads of stuff in each other's lives that we didnt know and just shared common emotions. its was great fun and the only word i could think of was 'happy'! the smile stuck to me all day which i loved. great day i say! very very very apprehensive abt the new year. SCARED in fact! PANICKY! fingers crossed! Current mood:  excited.
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